ok.i know it's been a long time.and yes.i'm sorry.i have been busy this week.very hectic week i must say.i had tests all over the place.i was sick so i kept on sleeping.very tired even after sleeping for 15 hours average per day.tired!

well.today,i know people who read my posts are getting sick of me.because i rant about bad stuff all the time.i talk bad about people.i talk bad about things.i talk bad about my school.but what to do?i don't open up to people.i can only type it out in blogs then.so here i am again.ranting about more stuff.so i'm sorry if you don't like me doing that.just want you all to know.if you all don't like it,please leave.no one is making you stay and i'm serious about it.don't read my blog and bitch in my tagboard.thank you very much.ok.the contents of today's post.

1. i am tired.
2. i am sick.
3. i hate a girl.
4. my personality is shrinking.[i think]
5. my world is crashing down around me.
6. i love a guy i can't have.[i don't think i'm good enough for him]
7. i'm angry.
8. i don't seem to do well for tests.
9. my parents doubt my ability.
10. no one listens to me.
11. no one loves me.
12. no one cares about me.
13. i can't find someone close to me to talk to.
14. i HATE people who go on and on about my favourite colour.[purple]
15. i don't like fights.i'm afraid.
16. THE WORST OF ALL...I THINK I'M SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!

ok.that's the content.a bit long for a post.but for weeks.i think that should cover how i felt.i am tired because i'm sick.naturally.cause my medicines can make one drowsy.so there you go.2 points covered.i hate a girl.i don't know.i feel she is very fake.she chooses her friends.i know she hates me.but not to worry at all!cause i hate her too.i think that she only go to those whom she don't like when she needs favours.well,if you read this post and you feel guilty.don't bitch in my tagboard.cause it just show how guilty you are of yourself.and i'm sorry about that.can't help it.cause you are a bitch.ok.3rd point covered.this time i didn't bitch too much on a girl and i feel better.cause bitches shouldn't be talked about.they tarnish my reputation.

i don't know about what you people think about me.but i feel that my personality is shrinking day by day.everything i do.everything i say.it goes through my big brain before coming out of my mouth or my actions.so it is like mended words and actions.not the real me.not my real personality.unreal and untrue to myself.i wish i'm like a movie clip.uncut and uncensored.i don't know.i'm losing my old personality.i'm losing that vive that's in me.my life.my friends.my everything.i'm becoming such an angry person i don't know myself anymore.point 4 checked.about my world crashing down on me.it's suppose to be for the finale.so i can write that all this things makes the world around me is crashing down on me.point 5 almost checked.

solely saved a paragraph for this point.i love a guy.but i can't have that guy.i feel i don't deserve this guy at all.he is a nice guy.one i would say is alot of a gentlement.something not all guys can achieve.sorry.no offence.but there are jerks out there and we all know it.if you are going to flame my blog.go ahead.just shows that you are guilty.no prob for me.ok.enough.anyway.yes i like this guy alot.well,not to the point i would die for him because i can't get him.we use to be good friends i guess.but now we hardly talk and of course yes i miss him.i found comfort when talking to him and now i can't find that comfort no more.like any girl.i am jealous when he is closer to other girls.yes i hate him talking to girls.laughing at their jokes.him making girls giggle.yes i hate it.but nothing i can do.so i guess best to let go.and yes.it takes time.takes effort.but i know as time pass by.the infactuation will definately fade off.point 6 checked.

ok.yes i know that i'm an angry person.i think i might need some anger management classes.i can't seem to score for tests.i'm lagging behind.i don't know what to do?maybe i'm not working hard enough.maybe i am just not born academically clever.i'm no genius.i'm no einstein.i won't become clever after the age of 4.i think my brain cells are dying faster than i age.o well.next.my parents doubt my ability.MY PARENTS!.what's wrong with this world?it all started...

me: mum,i don't know why i can't do well for my tests.i don't know why i can't score like korkor.[as affectionately called by me for my brother.]
mum: it's ok.i saw you studying.i know you worked very hard.
me: i wish i was as clever as korkor.
mum: how much do you expect to get for your o levels?
me: i hope to get at least 10.i wish i could get 6 like korkor.
mum: i don't expect you to get 6.i think if you get around less than 14 i would be happy.
me[shocked]: ok.[i didn't show my expression]
mum: to tell you the truth.i didn't expect him to get so much.but he made me proud.
me: ya.i know.

i know that mum thinks that she is making me feel less stressed by telling me this.but i felt hurt.very hurt.totally torned.i know that the points that korkor got was horrifying.i know i can't do that.i wish i could.i know my mum does.but it really hurt me.to have my own mother tell me this into my face.that she don't expect me to get such high marks.that really hurt me.

today.

me: i really wish i can score and do well like korkor.
mum: try your best.
dad: [didn't even answer me]
me: o well.i hope.
dad: [didn't even care about what i was saying]

that really did it.i was hurt.humiliated.who wouldn't want to score like korkor.i wish i could.you think i didn't want to?you think i'm slacking?then watch me study.i sleep late.i wake up early to study.and i'm tired of it.seriously.you know what?i don't care anymore.whatever.

i don't think anyone listens to me either.when i talk to me parents.mum just says that she is tired and dad just cares about watching his beloved shows.they are just so important to him.so important that he doesn't know that i'm 14+ going on 15 this year.when i score badly he would then scold me saying that i slacked.i did not study.i didn't put in my best.if you think you know me so well.why does all this happen?stay up with me and watch me study then.you sleep at 11.i sleep at 2am.you wake up at 6am.i wake up at 5am.what do you think i'm doing?playing?talking?listening to music?well let me cue you in.NO!.i am studying.i was studying.and i will still be studying.it just shows how much you all care about me.

thanks alot.i appreciate it.honestly.i 'do'.my friends don't listen to me.whenever i want to talk to them.some other people just have to budge their way in.grab my friend away from me.and there goes my last flicker of light.there goes my hope.my friend.i'm starting to think that i'm so superficial.what are all my friends for?i can't seem to be able to reach out to them.maybe it's not their fault.maybe it's mine.that i don't reach out to them.maybe i don't tell them all my problems.maybe it's just me.i should just fade away together with time.i guess no one would miss me when i'm dead.cause no one will realise it.no one will remember me.no one cares about me.you all don't miss me when i'm alive.so don't miss me when i'm dead.i have no one to lean on.i'm alone in this world.i'm fighting against all odds by myself.for myself.just me,myself and i.why is it that some people can find such good friends to talk to?why can't i?why?why is it just me?why does everyone else able to talk to someone?i wish i had such a friend.i really do.luck is just not on my side i guess.

ok.something that makes me boil with anger.I HATE.let me repeat if you people don't understand.I HATE YOU FREAKING PEOPLE WHO GO ON AND ON ABOUT MY FAVOURTIE COLOUR.fuck it.i like purple.is that against the law.if purple was not the international gay colour.would you people think that it is a gay colour?HUH?answer me.what's wrong with liking purple?give me reasons.good reasons.i am fucking fed up with people going on and on about it.if pink was the international gay colour.would those who like it now like it then?huh?i am very angry.don't be offended.but i just want to let you know jas.you support gay rights.then why do you discriminate purple?that's contradicting jas.that's call saying something that you don't mean at all.don't support gay rights if you don't like purple.you think you can accept gays then why can't you accept purple?i am fucking over the top now.i am very very upset and angry.if you can't accept what they like you won't be able to accept what they do and who they are.if gays walk on the road wearing purple.are you going to say that they are gays at the top of your voice?well,tell me.i really like to know.i want to know how you will react.if i wear purple,are you going to say that i'm a gay?it's my favourite colour.i'm not doing something that is against the law.so just cut some slack off me and stop going on about purpe being a gay colour.when there is a rule that says that liking purple is against the law.then tell me.everyone has a favourite colour.how would you feel if i go on and on teasing about your favourite colour?of course you will get pissed off.just like you all i am fucking pissed off now.so please respect me and my rights of liking purple.thank you.

so much things happened in school these days.so much till i can't seem to breathe.so choked up in it.especially fights.i must say.i hate fights.no offence.i wish everyone can calm down and talk things out.don't fight to resolve it.i know that some like to fight to resolve their issues.i repect that.but i like the world better without fights.without war.i don't know what to do.i'm a girl.i don't fight.i don't like fights either.i can't stand it.i can't stand blood shed.how many people must get hurt or die in this world to make the other party happy?of course i won't know.i wish everyone can calm down.think before they act.and then the world would become a happier place.i like that.=D

well.the last content.i think this is the worst of all.maybe i'm suffering from bipolar disorder?i don't know.i think i'm suffering from depression.whenever i tell people that i suspect it.they just go."you?depressed?you gotta be kidding me.if you get depression,the whole world would be suffering from mental problems man."i'm happy all the time people tell me.must i show it out?must i stop laughing.must i cry all the time?must i hide in a corner?must i start liking dark colours?must i fill all my thoughts with dark depressing moments to make you all think that i am suffering from depression?i'm sorry.i just don't act that way.i suspect it.but you all don't believe me.i just hope it's not too late when people realise that i do suffer from it.i told my parents that i might be suffering from depression.they just laugh their head off.why don't they believe me?i don't tell lies all the time.why can't anyone just listen to me for once.all i'm asking for is maybe 2-3 hours of your time to listen to my problems.is that too much?must i pay you to listen to me?if that's the case.i rather not.i rather not tell anyone.i feel that nothing can be done anymore.i'm in the state of falling into a deep dark hole.nothing can pull me out of it.it's like the black hole.it's too late.the world has lost me.God has lost me.i just want to know something,where is God when i needed him to get out of this situation?this plight i'm in.i don't know.i wish God was here to help me.i really need him now.but somehow.my church is doing nothing to save me.no wonder so many people are leaving the church.i finally realise why.i guess that they have the same thoughts as i do.i don't know where God is.i still believe that there is God.i hope that the church doesn't dash this last hope that i have.i love you God.i do.but i need to see some miracle happen in my life.thank you God.i love you always.

MY WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN ON ME!!!!!!!!!!